November 24, 2008
A jobs posting we may soon be seeing on the Washington, D.C. page of Craigslist:
Reply to: Job8548322111@craigslist.org
Post Until: Credit Crisis Ends, or Global Economy Returns to Medieval Era. Which ever comes first.
The U.S. Federal Treasury is seeking to hire a secretary who can help explain how to end the global credit crisis. Normally, we wouldn’t post such a significant job on craigslist, where any old unemployed, morbidly obsese, socially-challenged, Second Life-obsessed, professional-poker playing types can apply, but hey — desperate times, etc. etc.
I mean, face it: if they took all the economists from Princeton, Harvard, Yale, University of Chicago, Wharton Business School, MIT, Stanford, the London School of Economics, Oxford, Cambridge, and Germany, and locked them all in a gym and told them they couldn’t leave until someone sinks a three point shot, do you think the global economy could get any worse than it is now? (Where were we the day they told all the economists that their jobs are just like meterologists–you get to be wrong 90% of the time and still get to keep your job, providing you have good chemistry with news and sports?)
Wanted: YOU have a facility with numbers, although the Ph.D from the above-mentioned elite institutions is probably optional at this stage. Any and all agility with addition and subtraction will be considered. A gift for multiplication highly desired. A passion for long division would be a gift from above.
YOU see macro-trends before macro-trends come crashing through the door, toppling the global economy like that 80 foot wave that sank Clooney in The Perfect Storm. Even spotting a micro-trend–for example noticing that small, quirky independents often hog all the Oscar nominations, would be appreciated, if only to keep us posted on what the good movies are, because we’re so over super hero sequels. We’ve asked the smartest people on the planet to weigh in on this global liquidity crisis, and frankly, we don’t like smart people so much anymore. Stupidheads–you have our ears!
YOU aren’t afraid to go negative in a room full of sunnysiders. Frankly, over here at the Fed, we have all had just a few too many can-do conference calls with old Ayn Rand Hands, Alan Greenspan chatting from his tub in Georgetown about how fantastic American economic fundamentals are. We could use some hick from the sticks, or at least Bob Costas or some real midwestern bad haircut to come over here and tell us it’s the end of the beginning of two decades of hell, and bring along some sandwiches, because the free lunch has officially ended.
YOU are familiar with the terms derivatives, liquidity, trillion, TARP, Too Big To Fail, rescue package rather than bailout. That’s what we talk about when we talk about money these days, baby. (If you can explain deflation, run, don’t walk, over to the Treasury. We’ll keep the lights on!)
YOU have an interest in going on CNBC from time to time to pontificate about the state of the global economy. It wouldn’t hurt if you were a hottie of either sex–the better to take the viewers’ mind off the bad news you will invariably be delivering. If Aaron Eckhart’s agent reads this, he would make an excellent Secretary of the Treasury. Call us?
The Secretary of the Treasury is employed at the discretion of the President of the United States, or until the money runs out, whichever comes first. You will have at least $350 billion with which to spend your way out of this crisis, maybe more.
After all. The United States is simply too big to let fail.
This is a contract position. It may last until 2012. Maybe even until 2016 if the stimulus package takes and people all replace their DVD players with Blu-Rays at the exact same moment in early 2010. Questions? Email us at: soyouthinkyoucanbesecofthefed@gmail.com
Compensation: To be discussed. It’s all about national service these days, so don’t get your hopes up.
This is a part-time job. Some weekends, such as when it’s necessary to rescue Citigroup, et al, from oblivion.
This is at a non-profit organization. LOL!
Principals only. Recruiters, please don’t contact this job poster. This means you, Goldman-Sachs!
Please, no phone calls about this job! We’re busy saving the economy!
Please do not contact job poster about other services, products or commercial interests. Yes, we got the memo, GM. Now go design a hybrid and leave us alone!
Thursday, January 29, 2009
Friday, December 26, 2008
The Presidential To Do List
The White House
Pennsylvania Avenue
Washington, D.C.
The President of the United States
George W Bush
To Do List--January, 2009
1. Pardons.(Double check to make sure none of us can be tried. Question for Attorney-General: pre-emptive pardons?)
2. Outgoing legislation. Save automobile industry--at least until spring. Then it's Bam's problem. (Real shame, that).
3. Farewell phone calls to global leaders. Keep them short.
4. Also remember to call Tony Blair. Nice guy.
5. Visit more foreign countries. (In retrospect, this would have been nice to do before running for President, but it is what it is. Is it my fault Midland has no international airport?)
6. Hire one of those lit agents to get me a book deal. I hear Bubba got $10 million. Maybe Bam has agent?
7. Talk to Laura about where she wants to go for Feb. vacation. (We could take an extra week.)
8. Ask Poppy about getting hired by Carlyle Group.
9. New York Marathon--early registration!
10. Read some Presidential autobiographies to learn how to write one.
11. Never too early to start callin' around to see if anyone needs a former two-term President to throw out the first pitch on Opening Day.
12. Call Bob Woodward. Get him to autograph all four books he wrote about the Bush years.
13.Quality lunch with Condi.
14. Cancel hunting trip with Cheney.
15. Call Wolfowitz. See if he has any bright new ideas.
16. Work on historical legacy. (Call Harvard & Yale. See if they want speech about global vision things, letting the market decide, or spreading freedom and democracy around the globe).
17. Speak to Roger Ailes at FOX News about becoming their newest military expert.
18. Give Bam the nuclear codes, and speech about having the fate of the planet in his hands.
19. Call Rumsfeld, then tell him you'll call him back--after the quality lunch with Condi. LOL.
20. Email Arianna about getting a blog on HuffPo, even if it's filled with liberals.
21. Hire Frum to ghostwrite it. That oughta to piss off all those Hollywood elites.
22. Join Facebook. Don't add Roger Clemens! He's calling about pardons.
23. Buy newest Kinky Friedman novel. They're always fun.
24. Book some plane tickets to Houston. How does one book plane tickets?
25. Turn out the Pennsylvania Avenue lights. The party's over.
stephenbhunt@gmail.com
Pennsylvania Avenue
Washington, D.C.
The President of the United States
George W Bush
To Do List--January, 2009
1. Pardons.(Double check to make sure none of us can be tried. Question for Attorney-General: pre-emptive pardons?)
2. Outgoing legislation. Save automobile industry--at least until spring. Then it's Bam's problem. (Real shame, that).
3. Farewell phone calls to global leaders. Keep them short.
4. Also remember to call Tony Blair. Nice guy.
5. Visit more foreign countries. (In retrospect, this would have been nice to do before running for President, but it is what it is. Is it my fault Midland has no international airport?)
6. Hire one of those lit agents to get me a book deal. I hear Bubba got $10 million. Maybe Bam has agent?
7. Talk to Laura about where she wants to go for Feb. vacation. (We could take an extra week.)
8. Ask Poppy about getting hired by Carlyle Group.
9. New York Marathon--early registration!
10. Read some Presidential autobiographies to learn how to write one.
11. Never too early to start callin' around to see if anyone needs a former two-term President to throw out the first pitch on Opening Day.
12. Call Bob Woodward. Get him to autograph all four books he wrote about the Bush years.
13.Quality lunch with Condi.
14. Cancel hunting trip with Cheney.
15. Call Wolfowitz. See if he has any bright new ideas.
16. Work on historical legacy. (Call Harvard & Yale. See if they want speech about global vision things, letting the market decide, or spreading freedom and democracy around the globe).
17. Speak to Roger Ailes at FOX News about becoming their newest military expert.
18. Give Bam the nuclear codes, and speech about having the fate of the planet in his hands.
19. Call Rumsfeld, then tell him you'll call him back--after the quality lunch with Condi. LOL.
20. Email Arianna about getting a blog on HuffPo, even if it's filled with liberals.
21. Hire Frum to ghostwrite it. That oughta to piss off all those Hollywood elites.
22. Join Facebook. Don't add Roger Clemens! He's calling about pardons.
23. Buy newest Kinky Friedman novel. They're always fun.
24. Book some plane tickets to Houston. How does one book plane tickets?
25. Turn out the Pennsylvania Avenue lights. The party's over.
stephenbhunt@gmail.com
Monday, December 22, 2008
Dear Prime Minister
Dear Prime Minister,
It has been brought to my attention that you have changed your mind about the shameless partisanship and essentially undemocratic nature of having an appointed Senate, because appointed senators tend to vote the way the people who appoint them want them to. Fair enough. The senate is quite the august political institution, and in these days of stateless countries (see: pirates, Somalia) with no governments at all, it's difficult to see the harm in a few appointed senators coming aboard just in time to keep the coalition of the winless from doing anything foolish.
I hear you may have eight spots left to fill. You have my Blackberry coordinates. I am ready to serve.
Sincerely,
Stephane Dion
Dear Steve,
Duffy? Duffy is a senator? LOL. That guy's in such bad shape (don't buy it if he tries to sell you that he's quit smoking, either), the over under on the guy lasting 18 months in the Senate is not high. If you want a political junkie journo on the senate who's gonna be around a while, Steve-o, here I am brutha!
Sincerely,
Rick Mercer
Dear Prime Minister,
Ignatieff is behaving as imperialistically and pompously as ever. The guy gives such long-winded, thoughtful, judicious, extemporaneous answers to even the dumbest little question, it leaves no room for pedantic, over-sincere, economically-challenged, ideological progressives like myself to get on television anymore. I'll reform your Senate for you. Just name me to it.
Best,
Bob Rae
Dear Mr. Harper,
I read with interest your recent appointments to the Senate. While I have a great deal of respect for Mike Duffy, Pamela Wallin, and Nancy Greene, I noticed you haven't named any former NHL general managers to the Senate recently, an oversight I may be able to help you with.
Yours,
John Ferguson Jr.
Dear Prime Minister,
This is just a bit of a pre-emptive attack (Ha!), but could you consider me the next time you make a batch of Senate appointments? I do good work, and have done a lot of television, and will live a long time, in case you get elected out of office and want someone to stick it the Liberals for the next six decades.
Sincerely,
Daniel Cook
Dear Mr. Harper,
Me too!
Happy holidays,
Emily Yeung
Dear Stephen,
A pardon from any future malicious attempts to prosecute me for stupidly accepting those envelopes full of cash nearly two decades ago would be nice; a seat on the Senate even nicer; the Habs winning it all, priceless.
Best,
Brian
Dear Steve,
Catching a lot of heat for accepting this Senate appointment. Any chance I could get a sitdown with you for the national news to discuss? (I'll ask tough stuff so it doesn't look like you were trying to buy off the media on this).
All best,
Mike
PS. I quit smoking. I swear.
Dear Mr. Prime Minister,
Just want to confirm that I can use the whole 90K travel budget you provide each Senator with to hang out in New York and go to cocktail parties with my Big American Media pals.
Love,
Pam
Wednesday, December 10, 2008
Post Up or Die! Ken Mink, 73, Oldest Living College Basketball Player
Slowhopes is a sucker for late bloomers, but 73-year-old Ken Mink is ridiculous. He made the Roane State (Tennessee) junior college basketball team this fall as a 73 year old! He played in the 1950’s, for Lee, Kentucky Junior College but got kicked off the team and never played again, for another 50 years. He started out in college ball with President Ike, and may finish up with President Obama!
Fox Sports ran an item about him in late October:
Ken Mink may be the first guy who can qualify for a senior discount during his senior season.
Ken Mink is living his college hoops dream at the age of 73.
Mink, 73, is a 6-foot, 190-pound newcomer to the Roane State (Tenn.) junior college basketball team about 35 miles west of Knoxville.
He’s likely the oldest person to ever play college hoops. To put Mink in perspective, Utah State’s Gary Wilkinson will be among the oldest Division I players this season; he just turned 26.
Mink played for Lees (Ky.) Junior College until 1956 when he was dismissed following a prank he still denies.
Mink, an avid outdoorsman, said he realized he could still hoop it up when he was shooting baskets in his driveway last fall.
“I had been knocking down shot after shot, so when I came in the house I told my wife, ‘I’ve still got it,’ ” Mink told the Knoxville News Sentinel. “She said, ‘You’ve got what?’ I said, ‘I can still play.’ ”
Mink wrote to some coaches seeking the chance to play, and Roane’s Randy Nesbit gave him a shot. Mink spent the summer getting into shape and playing with a senior team from the area in three state tournaments.
Mink says he was a good high school player in the ’50s and had several scholarship offers, but went to Lees because it offered a full ride. He says he averaged about 12 points a game until his dismissal.
He can still shoot (watch this video from the Knoxville News Sentinel), moves pretty well for a septuagenarian and has bonded with his younger teammates.
Mink is unlikely to play for more than five or six minutes a game once Roane State opens its season Nov. 3.
“There’s a lot of complicated offensive and defensive schemes that I have to learn, but the other players have been helping me every step of the way,” Mink said.
Today, the New York Times weighs in with a story of its own.
http://www.nytimes.com/2008/12/10/sports/ncaabasketball/10player.html?em
Fox Sports ran an item about him in late October:
Ken Mink may be the first guy who can qualify for a senior discount during his senior season.
Ken Mink is living his college hoops dream at the age of 73.
Mink, 73, is a 6-foot, 190-pound newcomer to the Roane State (Tenn.) junior college basketball team about 35 miles west of Knoxville.
He’s likely the oldest person to ever play college hoops. To put Mink in perspective, Utah State’s Gary Wilkinson will be among the oldest Division I players this season; he just turned 26.
Mink played for Lees (Ky.) Junior College until 1956 when he was dismissed following a prank he still denies.
Mink, an avid outdoorsman, said he realized he could still hoop it up when he was shooting baskets in his driveway last fall.
“I had been knocking down shot after shot, so when I came in the house I told my wife, ‘I’ve still got it,’ ” Mink told the Knoxville News Sentinel. “She said, ‘You’ve got what?’ I said, ‘I can still play.’ ”
Mink wrote to some coaches seeking the chance to play, and Roane’s Randy Nesbit gave him a shot. Mink spent the summer getting into shape and playing with a senior team from the area in three state tournaments.
Mink says he was a good high school player in the ’50s and had several scholarship offers, but went to Lees because it offered a full ride. He says he averaged about 12 points a game until his dismissal.
He can still shoot (watch this video from the Knoxville News Sentinel), moves pretty well for a septuagenarian and has bonded with his younger teammates.
Mink is unlikely to play for more than five or six minutes a game once Roane State opens its season Nov. 3.
“There’s a lot of complicated offensive and defensive schemes that I have to learn, but the other players have been helping me every step of the way,” Mink said.
Today, the New York Times weighs in with a story of its own.
http://www.nytimes.com/2008/12/10/sports/ncaabasketball/10player.html?em
Tuesday, December 9, 2008
Greg Freaking Maddux
Greg Maddux was the most ordinary-looking, least ordinary sports star Slowhopes ever came across.
He had a body like an office administrative assistant.
He threw a baseball with the ferocity of a Sunday afternoon, Central Park slow pitch superstar.
And he won. And won. And won. 355 times, against the best batters in the world, more than any pitcher in baseball except seven other freaks.
Maddux also is personally responsible for one of Slowhopes worst decisions of his life.
It was the 1996 World Series. The Braves v. the Yankees, who weren't quite the Yankees yet--they hadn't won a playoff series of any kind since 1978. Jeter was a rookie. Torre was the new manager in town.
And Slowhopes somehow managed to score tickets to Game 1 & 2 of the World Series!
This evident miracle rapidly turned into a fiasco. Andruw Jones, who was 19 years old, clobbered two homers in Game 1 and the A-T-L crushed the Yankees, which was depressing enough, but the very next night, Slowhopes watched in total despair as Greg Maddux completely shut down the Yankees. We think the score was 4-0, but it seemed worse--Maddux simply owned them in the way an ace sometimes destroys his opponents. He didn't throw hard, either. He looked like a librarian getting some fresh air, and threw like one, too, and the Yankees simply couldn't touch him.
Cut to:
The Yankees, against every conceivable odd, after losing those first two at home, won the next three in Atlanta! It was insane! Pettite won a 1-0 thriller v. Smoltz. Leyritz lined a three run homer into the ATL bully late in Game 4, erasing what remained of a 6-0 Atl lead. It was incredibly dramatic, sensational October baseball drama, all of which led to:
Game 6, Saturday night, Yankee Stadium.
Slowhopes, as luck would have it, possessed a pair of tickets for Game 7. The question was: would there be a Game 7? If the Yanks won Saturday night, it was all over.
Who was pitching Saturday night? Maddux the Witch.
Slowhopes had discovered, in the nascent days of the internet, a Yankees thread, and managed to wrangle an offer of an exchange: two Game 6 tix in return for his two game 7 tix. Plus $50 for beers and whatnot.
The only obstacle to this MLB Sophie's Choice was the witch. After sitting in pain through Game 2, in which Maddux utterly dominated the Yanks' lineup, Slowhopes made the call:
Don't bet against Maddux. We held on to our Game 7 pair and tuned in.
Only to hear Joe Girardi, of all the unlikelies, scorch a triple to deep left center early, to drive in two or three and stake the Yanks to a lead.
Saturday night, late October, a two or three run lead, 57,000 lunatics cheering: there was no hope. The Yankees prevailed, winning the first of their four 1990's World Series titles. Slowhopes was happy and heartbroken at the same moment. Later that week, he caught the D train to the Bronx and redeemed his two useless Game 7 ducats for $140, then caught the train back.
You were still one of the greatest, Maddux.
http://msn.foxsports.com/mlb/story/8913826
He had a body like an office administrative assistant.
He threw a baseball with the ferocity of a Sunday afternoon, Central Park slow pitch superstar.
And he won. And won. And won. 355 times, against the best batters in the world, more than any pitcher in baseball except seven other freaks.
Maddux also is personally responsible for one of Slowhopes worst decisions of his life.
It was the 1996 World Series. The Braves v. the Yankees, who weren't quite the Yankees yet--they hadn't won a playoff series of any kind since 1978. Jeter was a rookie. Torre was the new manager in town.
And Slowhopes somehow managed to score tickets to Game 1 & 2 of the World Series!
This evident miracle rapidly turned into a fiasco. Andruw Jones, who was 19 years old, clobbered two homers in Game 1 and the A-T-L crushed the Yankees, which was depressing enough, but the very next night, Slowhopes watched in total despair as Greg Maddux completely shut down the Yankees. We think the score was 4-0, but it seemed worse--Maddux simply owned them in the way an ace sometimes destroys his opponents. He didn't throw hard, either. He looked like a librarian getting some fresh air, and threw like one, too, and the Yankees simply couldn't touch him.
Cut to:
The Yankees, against every conceivable odd, after losing those first two at home, won the next three in Atlanta! It was insane! Pettite won a 1-0 thriller v. Smoltz. Leyritz lined a three run homer into the ATL bully late in Game 4, erasing what remained of a 6-0 Atl lead. It was incredibly dramatic, sensational October baseball drama, all of which led to:
Game 6, Saturday night, Yankee Stadium.
Slowhopes, as luck would have it, possessed a pair of tickets for Game 7. The question was: would there be a Game 7? If the Yanks won Saturday night, it was all over.
Who was pitching Saturday night? Maddux the Witch.
Slowhopes had discovered, in the nascent days of the internet, a Yankees thread, and managed to wrangle an offer of an exchange: two Game 6 tix in return for his two game 7 tix. Plus $50 for beers and whatnot.
The only obstacle to this MLB Sophie's Choice was the witch. After sitting in pain through Game 2, in which Maddux utterly dominated the Yanks' lineup, Slowhopes made the call:
Don't bet against Maddux. We held on to our Game 7 pair and tuned in.
Only to hear Joe Girardi, of all the unlikelies, scorch a triple to deep left center early, to drive in two or three and stake the Yanks to a lead.
Saturday night, late October, a two or three run lead, 57,000 lunatics cheering: there was no hope. The Yankees prevailed, winning the first of their four 1990's World Series titles. Slowhopes was happy and heartbroken at the same moment. Later that week, he caught the D train to the Bronx and redeemed his two useless Game 7 ducats for $140, then caught the train back.
You were still one of the greatest, Maddux.
http://msn.foxsports.com/mlb/story/8913826
Charlie Brown: The Original Slowhopes
It is always a little weird to see the things you loved as a child all those years later, when they turn out to be completely idiotic, trite, and not as funny as you remembered.
Happily, Slowhopes checked out A Charlie Brown Christmas Monday night and found it funnier, smarter and more enjoyable than he remembers it being when he watched it as a kid. (This could be even more disturbing. We're not sure).
Whatever!
Charlie Brown is a wonderful creation. Even though he's a loser/blockhead, who does everything wrong, Charlie's heart is in the right place. He is disheartened by the rampant commercialism of Christmas. He is a bit of a pushover as the director of the Christmas pageant, mainly because he isn't bossy, like Lucy, his chief tormentor. And when Lucy sends him out to find a flash Christmas tree, he comes back with a distinctly underwhelming, undersized, malnourished tree everyone hates but he sees potential in.
There is also a lot of very toe-tapping jazz piano that we have always loved, and Snoopy doing his ecstatic Snoopy dance, which we have always thought was one of the finest expressions of happiness ever animated!
We watched A Charlie Brown Christmas with Gus, the five year old, who didn't quite get all the anti-commercialism blasts, and even if he did, probably wouldn't have agreed with them. But we can only hope ABC will continue to broadcast A Charlie Brown Christmas year after year, and the message will hopefully take.
slowhopes@gmail.com
Happily, Slowhopes checked out A Charlie Brown Christmas Monday night and found it funnier, smarter and more enjoyable than he remembers it being when he watched it as a kid. (This could be even more disturbing. We're not sure).
Whatever!
Charlie Brown is a wonderful creation. Even though he's a loser/blockhead, who does everything wrong, Charlie's heart is in the right place. He is disheartened by the rampant commercialism of Christmas. He is a bit of a pushover as the director of the Christmas pageant, mainly because he isn't bossy, like Lucy, his chief tormentor. And when Lucy sends him out to find a flash Christmas tree, he comes back with a distinctly underwhelming, undersized, malnourished tree everyone hates but he sees potential in.
There is also a lot of very toe-tapping jazz piano that we have always loved, and Snoopy doing his ecstatic Snoopy dance, which we have always thought was one of the finest expressions of happiness ever animated!
We watched A Charlie Brown Christmas with Gus, the five year old, who didn't quite get all the anti-commercialism blasts, and even if he did, probably wouldn't have agreed with them. But we can only hope ABC will continue to broadcast A Charlie Brown Christmas year after year, and the message will hopefully take.
slowhopes@gmail.com
Wednesday, December 3, 2008
Selected Entries From the Diary of Prime Minister Stephen Harper
Selected Entries from the Private Journals of Prime Minister Harper
Oct 14, 2008
Dear Diary:
No majority. No biggie. The Libs are in ruins. I don't see any problem keeping this gig going until around 2011.
Oct 15, 2008
Dear Diary:
Dion is toast. Announced he's stepping down, after a new leader is chosen in May.
Don't say I never did anything for Canada: I kept the the wrong Steve from setting his carbon-free footprints in 24 Sussex.
Nov. 4, 2008
Dear Diary:
America now has a hipper leader than Canada. There. I said it. Who says I have no sense of humour? I bet I have a better backhand than Barry, although I'm pretty sure he'd trounce me in a game of H-O-R-S-E.
Memo to self: finish the hockey book sooner than later. Statesmen need to write books in order to have a legacy. (Be sure to include a shot or two at Dion in the chapter about the Nordiques moving to Denver.)
November 27, 2008
Dear Diary:
Flaherty unveils the budget tonight. Have I got a surprise for Canadians! No more taxpayer-provided funding for those poutine-eating Bloc Quebecois freeloaders! No more right to strike for public service employees! No stimulus package! Hey Windsor: suck on this!
Who's going to stop me? Jack Layton? LOL!
November 28, 2008
Dear Diary:
Boy, you should have been in Ottawa today. Talk about a shit-storm erupting. You would have thought I'd pre-emptively invaded Toronto. (That's not the worst idea I've come up with. Discuss with McKay).
Dion says he has the NDP and Bloc onboard to form a coalition government. He's bluffing. Is that all the little green tax man's got? I'll eat his lunch! Does he really think this country is going to stand for a coalition that includes a separtist party? (The same separtist party who wouldn't form a coalition with me in 2004 to take down Martin. I hate separtist parties who hate me).
Monday, December 1, 2008
Dear Diary:
Just to be safe, I postponed the budget confidence vote a week. All hell is breaking loose. Ottawa hasn't been so much fun since Margaret turned up on tour with the Rolling Stones.
Tuesday, December 2, 2008
Dear Diary:
Have I ever said anything bad about Michaelle Jean? I sure hope not, because I need her now more than ever!
Wednesday, December 3, 2008
Dear Diary:
The (dirty, rotten, evil, liberal) Globe & Mail says for the good of the country, the party ought to consider replacing me as its leader in order to win back to support of the country.
How come nobody likes me? My whole life, it's been like this: Steve sucks. Steve thinks he's so smart. Steve is just a pudgy, Albertan, know-it-all a-hole. (Is it my fault I know it all? Should I play dumb, like Chretien? Should we make Tie Domi the PM?)
How can this have happened? (How can Dion have discovered his spine, so very near his ultimate disappearance from public life? If that little chinless wonder moves in here, I'm going to look for a job as a political columnist at the Globe & Mail and write really, really mean things about him twice a week, like that Dion apologist Jeffrey Simpson writes about me).
Less than a week ago, I was about to crush the Liberals into two decades of sitting on the opposition benches, and now the punditry are saying I must go? (We just painted the bedroom! We just bought the NHL Centre Ice package! The kids would have to switch school in the middle of the school year! I like the chocolate chip cookies the official chef cooks!)
I've got it! I'm going on television tonight to convince the country of the illegitmacy of this coalition! I've been Youtubing a lot of Barry's speeches and I think I've picked up quite a bit:
The Conservative Party is the change we've been waiting for! (Is that an oxymoron?)
Yes we can (govern!) Yes we can (get along with the sore losers, err, opposition). Yes we can! (Cough up a few bucks for Windsor, even though the auto industry is deader than the newspaper industry.)
Contact: slowhopes@gmail.com
Oct 14, 2008
Dear Diary:
No majority. No biggie. The Libs are in ruins. I don't see any problem keeping this gig going until around 2011.
Oct 15, 2008
Dear Diary:
Dion is toast. Announced he's stepping down, after a new leader is chosen in May.
Don't say I never did anything for Canada: I kept the the wrong Steve from setting his carbon-free footprints in 24 Sussex.
Nov. 4, 2008
Dear Diary:
America now has a hipper leader than Canada. There. I said it. Who says I have no sense of humour? I bet I have a better backhand than Barry, although I'm pretty sure he'd trounce me in a game of H-O-R-S-E.
Memo to self: finish the hockey book sooner than later. Statesmen need to write books in order to have a legacy. (Be sure to include a shot or two at Dion in the chapter about the Nordiques moving to Denver.)
November 27, 2008
Dear Diary:
Flaherty unveils the budget tonight. Have I got a surprise for Canadians! No more taxpayer-provided funding for those poutine-eating Bloc Quebecois freeloaders! No more right to strike for public service employees! No stimulus package! Hey Windsor: suck on this!
Who's going to stop me? Jack Layton? LOL!
November 28, 2008
Dear Diary:
Boy, you should have been in Ottawa today. Talk about a shit-storm erupting. You would have thought I'd pre-emptively invaded Toronto. (That's not the worst idea I've come up with. Discuss with McKay).
Dion says he has the NDP and Bloc onboard to form a coalition government. He's bluffing. Is that all the little green tax man's got? I'll eat his lunch! Does he really think this country is going to stand for a coalition that includes a separtist party? (The same separtist party who wouldn't form a coalition with me in 2004 to take down Martin. I hate separtist parties who hate me).
Monday, December 1, 2008
Dear Diary:
Just to be safe, I postponed the budget confidence vote a week. All hell is breaking loose. Ottawa hasn't been so much fun since Margaret turned up on tour with the Rolling Stones.
Tuesday, December 2, 2008
Dear Diary:
Have I ever said anything bad about Michaelle Jean? I sure hope not, because I need her now more than ever!
Wednesday, December 3, 2008
Dear Diary:
The (dirty, rotten, evil, liberal) Globe & Mail says for the good of the country, the party ought to consider replacing me as its leader in order to win back to support of the country.
How come nobody likes me? My whole life, it's been like this: Steve sucks. Steve thinks he's so smart. Steve is just a pudgy, Albertan, know-it-all a-hole. (Is it my fault I know it all? Should I play dumb, like Chretien? Should we make Tie Domi the PM?)
How can this have happened? (How can Dion have discovered his spine, so very near his ultimate disappearance from public life? If that little chinless wonder moves in here, I'm going to look for a job as a political columnist at the Globe & Mail and write really, really mean things about him twice a week, like that Dion apologist Jeffrey Simpson writes about me).
Less than a week ago, I was about to crush the Liberals into two decades of sitting on the opposition benches, and now the punditry are saying I must go? (We just painted the bedroom! We just bought the NHL Centre Ice package! The kids would have to switch school in the middle of the school year! I like the chocolate chip cookies the official chef cooks!)
I've got it! I'm going on television tonight to convince the country of the illegitmacy of this coalition! I've been Youtubing a lot of Barry's speeches and I think I've picked up quite a bit:
The Conservative Party is the change we've been waiting for! (Is that an oxymoron?)
Yes we can (govern!) Yes we can (get along with the sore losers, err, opposition). Yes we can! (Cough up a few bucks for Windsor, even though the auto industry is deader than the newspaper industry.)
Contact: slowhopes@gmail.com
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