Greg Freaking Maddux

Greg Maddux was the most ordinary-looking, least ordinary sports star Slowhopes ever came across.

He had a body like an office administrative assistant.

He threw a baseball with the ferocity of a Sunday afternoon, Central Park slow pitch superstar.

And he won. And won. And won. 355 times, against the best batters in the world, more than any pitcher in baseball except seven other freaks.

Maddux also is personally responsible for one of Slowhopes worst decisions of his life.

It was the 1996 World Series. The Braves v. the Yankees, who weren't quite the Yankees yet--they hadn't won a playoff series of any kind since 1978. Jeter was a rookie. Torre was the new manager in town.

And Slowhopes somehow managed to score tickets to Game 1 & 2 of the World Series!

This evident miracle rapidly turned into a fiasco. Andruw Jones, who was 19 years old, clobbered two homers in Game 1 and the A-T-L crushed the Yankees, which was depressing enough, but the very next night, Slowhopes watched in total despair as Greg Maddux completely shut down the Yankees. We think the score was 4-0, but it seemed worse--Maddux simply owned them in the way an ace sometimes destroys his opponents. He didn't throw hard, either. He looked like a librarian getting some fresh air, and threw like one, too, and the Yankees simply couldn't touch him.

Cut to:

The Yankees, against every conceivable odd, after losing those first two at home, won the next three in Atlanta! It was insane! Pettite won a 1-0 thriller v. Smoltz. Leyritz lined a three run homer into the ATL bully late in Game 4, erasing what remained of a 6-0 Atl lead. It was incredibly dramatic, sensational October baseball drama, all of which led to:

Game 6, Saturday night, Yankee Stadium.

Slowhopes, as luck would have it, possessed a pair of tickets for Game 7. The question was: would there be a Game 7? If the Yanks won Saturday night, it was all over.

Who was pitching Saturday night? Maddux the Witch.

Slowhopes had discovered, in the nascent days of the internet, a Yankees thread, and managed to wrangle an offer of an exchange: two Game 6 tix in return for his two game 7 tix. Plus $50 for beers and whatnot.

The only obstacle to this MLB Sophie's Choice was the witch. After sitting in pain through Game 2, in which Maddux utterly dominated the Yanks' lineup, Slowhopes made the call:

Don't bet against Maddux. We held on to our Game 7 pair and tuned in.

Only to hear Joe Girardi, of all the unlikelies, scorch a triple to deep left center early, to drive in two or three and stake the Yanks to a lead.

Saturday night, late October, a two or three run lead, 57,000 lunatics cheering: there was no hope. The Yankees prevailed, winning the first of their four 1990's World Series titles. Slowhopes was happy and heartbroken at the same moment. Later that week, he caught the D train to the Bronx and redeemed his two useless Game 7 ducats for $140, then caught the train back.

You were still one of the greatest, Maddux.

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