Selected Entries from the Private Journals of Prime Minister Harper
Oct 14, 2008
Dear Diary:
No majority. No biggie. The Libs are in ruins. I don't see any problem keeping this gig going until around 2011.
Oct 15, 2008
Dear Diary:
Dion is toast. Announced he's stepping down, after a new leader is chosen in May.
Don't say I never did anything for Canada: I kept the the wrong Steve from setting his carbon-free footprints in 24 Sussex.
Nov. 4, 2008
Dear Diary:
America now has a hipper leader than Canada. There. I said it. Who says I have no sense of humour? I bet I have a better backhand than Barry, although I'm pretty sure he'd trounce me in a game of H-O-R-S-E.
Memo to self: finish the hockey book sooner than later. Statesmen need to write books in order to have a legacy. (Be sure to include a shot or two at Dion in the chapter about the Nordiques moving to Denver.)
November 27, 2008
Dear Diary:
Flaherty unveils the budget tonight. Have I got a surprise for Canadians! No more taxpayer-provided funding for those poutine-eating Bloc Quebecois freeloaders! No more right to strike for public service employees! No stimulus package! Hey Windsor: suck on this!
Who's going to stop me? Jack Layton? LOL!
November 28, 2008
Dear Diary:
Boy, you should have been in Ottawa today. Talk about a shit-storm erupting. You would have thought I'd pre-emptively invaded Toronto. (That's not the worst idea I've come up with. Discuss with McKay).
Dion says he has the NDP and Bloc onboard to form a coalition government. He's bluffing. Is that all the little green tax man's got? I'll eat his lunch! Does he really think this country is going to stand for a coalition that includes a separtist party? (The same separtist party who wouldn't form a coalition with me in 2004 to take down Martin. I hate separtist parties who hate me).
Monday, December 1, 2008
Dear Diary:
Just to be safe, I postponed the budget confidence vote a week. All hell is breaking loose. Ottawa hasn't been so much fun since Margaret turned up on tour with the Rolling Stones.
Tuesday, December 2, 2008
Dear Diary:
Have I ever said anything bad about Michaelle Jean? I sure hope not, because I need her now more than ever!
Wednesday, December 3, 2008
Dear Diary:
The (dirty, rotten, evil, liberal) Globe & Mail says for the good of the country, the party ought to consider replacing me as its leader in order to win back to support of the country.
How come nobody likes me? My whole life, it's been like this: Steve sucks. Steve thinks he's so smart. Steve is just a pudgy, Albertan, know-it-all a-hole. (Is it my fault I know it all? Should I play dumb, like Chretien? Should we make Tie Domi the PM?)
How can this have happened? (How can Dion have discovered his spine, so very near his ultimate disappearance from public life? If that little chinless wonder moves in here, I'm going to look for a job as a political columnist at the Globe & Mail and write really, really mean things about him twice a week, like that Dion apologist Jeffrey Simpson writes about me).
Less than a week ago, I was about to crush the Liberals into two decades of sitting on the opposition benches, and now the punditry are saying I must go? (We just painted the bedroom! We just bought the NHL Centre Ice package! The kids would have to switch school in the middle of the school year! I like the chocolate chip cookies the official chef cooks!)
I've got it! I'm going on television tonight to convince the country of the illegitmacy of this coalition! I've been Youtubing a lot of Barry's speeches and I think I've picked up quite a bit:
The Conservative Party is the change we've been waiting for! (Is that an oxymoron?)
Yes we can (govern!) Yes we can (get along with the sore losers, err, opposition). Yes we can! (Cough up a few bucks for Windsor, even though the auto industry is deader than the newspaper industry.)
Contact: slowhopes@gmail.com
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